Everyone cycling a bicycle a year from today must wear a helmet with a number plate attached to the back of it, according to a number of Sunday newspapers today.
The number plate is only to be required to be displayed to the rear of the helmet but as the number plate will be motor-cycle size cycling advocates fear this will not be aerodynamic.
Because of this Department of Transport is considering allowing the plate to be removed once a weather report predicts high winds. As part of an initiative to keep people fit, there will also be an exception for anybody who comes close to a Strava segment best after Gardai turn on their blue lights to get you to pull over. Personal bests will not be entertained.
Some taxi driver groups and the rogue wing of the bus driver’s union welcomed the news.
In a joint statement, posted anomalously online this morning, a spokesman said: “Cyclists — or the silent killers — are the very, very, very worst road users. We have heard from thousands of people that say this. Believe me.”
“It’s only fake news printed by the dishonest media which shows that motorists run more red lights and that a majority of cyclists do not run red lights. Sad.”
He added: “And am the least anti-cyclists person that you’ve ever seen in your entire life, I just want to see them be safe. It’s only fair because professional drivers never break the rules but we have to share lanes with the number one law breakers in the world — cyclists are the worst ever. Worse than any other types of criminals. Everyone agrees with me on this.”
A statement from the All-Powerful Cycling Lobby said: “We get everything we want — like 7 years and counting of a planning process for the Liffey Cycle Route and decades of waiting for contra-flow cycling on one-way streets — so, you know nobody is going to mess with us and we will get this law changed before April 1 of next year.”